Two major problems facing American youth today are quite annoying.
The first is dry, fuzzy hair. Yes, after most people take a shower, (if they do that in the first place), then their hair is clean, but dries and becomes unmanageable. This results in fuzzy hair that sticks out and looks terrible.
The second is a greasy face. Most American youth produce an overabundance of grease on their face, resulting in acne: pimples, blackheads, etc. This simply does not enhance one's overall complexion and aesthetics.
Fortunately, we have one life-saving tip that can solve both problems! It kills one birds with two stones, or.... actually that doesn't sound right. It sounds left, I mean... no, that's not correct either.
But back to the solution: listen carefully to these 3 steps to solving your hair and acne problems.
# 1. Run 1 mile. Yes, you heard it... inside your head at least. Run approximately 5280 feet, or 1 mile.
# 2. Wash your hands. Then wipe as much grease off your face as possible. Running the mile not only helps burn any extra calories you might have, (I like to save my calories; you never know when you might need some extras), but it also helps bring the grease to your face, partially by making you sweat. That way, you can get as much grease on your hands as possible.
# 3. Now you should have your hand covered with some sweat/grease. Run your fingers through your hair, repeating the latter part of step 2 and all of step 3 until your face is less greasy, and your hair looks splendid.
Now you know the secret to how famous celebrities, athletes, movie stars, and other such people keep looking amazing!
Yours Truly,
-Me
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Saturday, May 28, 2016
The Guide to Sitting through a Graduation.
Having had this experience, there are a few tricks to surviving a two hour graduation.
#1. Bring candy to munch on. Unless you're graduating, it's probably a good idea to bring candy, maybe even Oreos or fruit snacks. This will nourish you, as you are likely to faint from boredom as they have to make every single graduate feel special by calling them, making them walk across the whole stage, and in some, giving them an opportunity to let them thank their parents, family, and friends.
#2. Bring Earplugs. There are generally people who decide to break the World Record for the loudest noise made by a human while cheering for their relative who is graduating, and unfortunately, they could be sitting right behind you. Skin colored earplugs would be great as to not offend anyone. An even better option is ear-buds, because then (especially if they are noise-cancelling) not only do you avoid having your eardrums ruptured, but you also can listen to podcasts, music, or whatever.
#3. Bring a mask (maybe a Abraham Lincoln mask, or an old man mask) and sunglasses.
Wearing a overly large hoodie with the hood up, putting the mask and sunglasses in the front, you can then safely take a well-needed nap with the mask covering up any evidence. People looking will just see the blank face with shades staring up at the boring speaker, when in reality, you have your head tucked down lower toward your shoulder, taking forty winks like nobody's business.
#4. Sell people things. If you obtain a pushcart, you can load it with fresh, hot food to sell. The best time is about half-way through, after everyone has been bored to death, but before people are realizing that the boredom is coming to an end. Walk up and down the aisles, yelling, "Donuts, donuts, fresh hot donuts! Get 'em while they're hot!"
People will smell the delicious aroma of warm amazingness and this fact, combined with hunger and boredom, will greatly contribute to your amazing sales.
#5. Bring a sophisticated ultra-violet light emitter, commonly known as a laser. The fun you can have with this is endless. The back of the valedictorian's head could suddenly have a bright red laser spot on it, the podium that the speaker is using could suddenly become interesting, and a certain person possessing a laser could be thrown out of the premises of the graduation.
We hope that these tips help you if you go to a graduation, and make it more fun and interesting.
-Me
#2. Bring Earplugs. There are generally people who decide to break the World Record for the loudest noise made by a human while cheering for their relative who is graduating, and unfortunately, they could be sitting right behind you. Skin colored earplugs would be great as to not offend anyone. An even better option is ear-buds, because then (especially if they are noise-cancelling) not only do you avoid having your eardrums ruptured, but you also can listen to podcasts, music, or whatever.
#3. Bring a mask (maybe a Abraham Lincoln mask, or an old man mask) and sunglasses.
Wearing a overly large hoodie with the hood up, putting the mask and sunglasses in the front, you can then safely take a well-needed nap with the mask covering up any evidence. People looking will just see the blank face with shades staring up at the boring speaker, when in reality, you have your head tucked down lower toward your shoulder, taking forty winks like nobody's business.
#4. Sell people things. If you obtain a pushcart, you can load it with fresh, hot food to sell. The best time is about half-way through, after everyone has been bored to death, but before people are realizing that the boredom is coming to an end. Walk up and down the aisles, yelling, "Donuts, donuts, fresh hot donuts! Get 'em while they're hot!"
People will smell the delicious aroma of warm amazingness and this fact, combined with hunger and boredom, will greatly contribute to your amazing sales.
#5. Bring a sophisticated ultra-violet light emitter, commonly known as a laser. The fun you can have with this is endless. The back of the valedictorian's head could suddenly have a bright red laser spot on it, the podium that the speaker is using could suddenly become interesting, and a certain person possessing a laser could be thrown out of the premises of the graduation.
We hope that these tips help you if you go to a graduation, and make it more fun and interesting.
-Me
Saturday, March 5, 2016
5 tips on: How to ask Her Dad.
Now we here at the Guide to Life for Dummies know many of you gentlemen have been wanted some helpful tips on this important aspect of life.
Thinking it over, we came up with these 5 very helpful tips on getting her dad's permission to marry her....
#1. This is a little after the fact, but after you ask him for his permission, it's great to quote a Bible verse, especially if he looks surprised, doubtful, and doesn't say anything for more than 1 second.
A good example would be John 13:27, ".... Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly."
This will help him make up his mind a lot quicker, hopefully in your favor.
#2. Tell him you don't have a job. If he knows you have a job, tell him you got fired. This is to make him think you don't have one, so later, he'll have a pleasant surprise. People always like pleasant surprises. If you tell him you have a job, it wouldn't create as much favor as if you tell him later.
#3. Bring flowers. Yes siree, then throw them down in front of him, grind those petals into the floor, and tell him that's what will happen to your life if he doesn't agree.
#4. Most guys are extremely egocentric and "me-centered" and will claim "I'll take care of her for the rest of her life. I'll provide for her, and I'll be there for her..." There is a BIG problem with that.
It's never good to keep on saying I, I, I in a conversation, especially one this important. Not only does this sound selfish and egocentric, but your potential father-in-law is going to think you're Donald Trump.
Instead, tell him that Social Security will take care of his daughter for the rest of her life. He'll associate something as big and strong as the government with the well-being of his daughter, and will feel confident in her future.
#5. Back to the second tip: if the surprise/no-job approach turns sour, slap your knee, let out laugh, and tell him it was just a joke, and that you're quite rich: in fact you made thousands playing Texas Hold-em in Vegas. And you just won the lottery and reinvested in more lottery tickets, so his daughter will be provided for. Just wait till you can teach those poker techniques to his grand-kids.
He'll be so proud.
-Me.
Thinking it over, we came up with these 5 very helpful tips on getting her dad's permission to marry her....
#1. This is a little after the fact, but after you ask him for his permission, it's great to quote a Bible verse, especially if he looks surprised, doubtful, and doesn't say anything for more than 1 second.
A good example would be John 13:27, ".... Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly."
This will help him make up his mind a lot quicker, hopefully in your favor.
#2. Tell him you don't have a job. If he knows you have a job, tell him you got fired. This is to make him think you don't have one, so later, he'll have a pleasant surprise. People always like pleasant surprises. If you tell him you have a job, it wouldn't create as much favor as if you tell him later.
#3. Bring flowers. Yes siree, then throw them down in front of him, grind those petals into the floor, and tell him that's what will happen to your life if he doesn't agree.
#4. Most guys are extremely egocentric and "me-centered" and will claim "I'll take care of her for the rest of her life. I'll provide for her, and I'll be there for her..." There is a BIG problem with that.
It's never good to keep on saying I, I, I in a conversation, especially one this important. Not only does this sound selfish and egocentric, but your potential father-in-law is going to think you're Donald Trump.
Instead, tell him that Social Security will take care of his daughter for the rest of her life. He'll associate something as big and strong as the government with the well-being of his daughter, and will feel confident in her future.
#5. Back to the second tip: if the surprise/no-job approach turns sour, slap your knee, let out laugh, and tell him it was just a joke, and that you're quite rich: in fact you made thousands playing Texas Hold-em in Vegas. And you just won the lottery and reinvested in more lottery tickets, so his daughter will be provided for. Just wait till you can teach those poker techniques to his grand-kids.
He'll be so proud.
-Me.
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