How to: Paint your nails.

      Now I know this is a very delicate subject, so I will treat it with due sensitivity and care.
First of all, this will work for anybody, guys or gals. This new fashion will sweep your youth-group, church, any social group!
      Now, the real First of all.
Go to Home Depot or Lowe's. Buy a 1 gallon can of paint, or a 12 ounce spray can.
Also, buy a box of nails, anywhere from a couple pounds to a large bucket that you can barely carry, depending on how many nails you want to paint.

Step One.
   If you're using a can of paint (not a spray can), then either use a paintbrush, a sponge, or your fingers to dab paint over a nail. Galvanized nails are awesome. Or you can simply dip the nail in the bucket (or can) of paint.
    Then, set it out to dry. Depending on the humidity, temperature, and air pressure, it shouldn't take too long to dry. If you use a blow-dryer, make sure not to wrinkle the paint too much. Fashion should be fun, not ugly!

If you're using a spray can, simply hold up the nail and spray away. Works like a wonder.

Step Two.
    Show off your awesome styles to your friends.
You can stick the nail through your hat, carry a bundle of them on your head, or set them above your ear like a pencil.
   Other ideas include sticking them through your belt like a belt lined with bullets, or cinching wire around them and carrying them on a key-chain, or just filling your pockets with them so you can say you really need a belt to keep your pants up. Leaving them around on the ground to decorate the ground around car tires is not recommended. Neither is carrying them on airplane flights, or in your mouth. Plus, think of the exercise you can get from carrying around 10 pounds of nails!

Completely, Cheerily, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,
       -Me

How to have less boring sermons.

      Despite what you might be thinking, this is not for any pastors, but for people sitting. Unless, of course, your pastor sits down.

      Despite your fears, this guide will be tremendously helpful. Period. 

We are not responsible for your getting thrown out of the church.

#567 -Pen Launchers. 

    You know those ball-point retractable (clickee) pens? If you unscrew them, you can often press down the ink cartridge, compressing the spring, then releasing quickly to launch the cartridge and spring into the air. Just, you know, try not to make it to obvious, but it sure will liven up the sermon. Especially if you're in the overhead sound booth with a supply of pens.... Or you could just use a slingshot and spit-wads....

#314 -Marbles. 

    Just sit in the back row, and have a few games of 'get the marble to the front row without hitting anyone's shoes' with yourself or friends. you can buy a 200 pack of marbles on Amazon --{ http://www.amazon.com/Pieces-Cats-Glass-Marble-Sling/dp/B003U2KPAK/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1437175705&sr=8-11&keywords=playing+marbles }-- for 11.20, at least when I was looking at it. 

#675 -Bring Your Dummy to Church Day. 

    You know, like those dummies you made as a kid where you stuffed the jacket and pants and shoes with socks and blankets, and tried to make the head realistic. Well, make sure you put the hood over the dummy's head, and sunglasses and maybe a face mask would add to the realism.

    Pretend to whisper to the dummy, or better yet, actually do! Things like, "Are you bored yet?" or "Do they have a hotdog stand here?" or "Look at that guy's shiny head!"

If that gets too boring, you could always whack the dummy over the head with your big Bible and yell "Sinner!"

#235 -Itching Powder.

    The 23rd commandment was, "Thou shalt not look behind you in church if you are out of kindergarten." '

    So take advantage of this and drop itching powder down the back of the neck of that guy sitting in front of you. Just make sure he's not wearing glasses equipped with rearview mirrors.

#351 -Selfie Time!

    First, get a Bible app on your smart-phone or Ipod touch. Then you have a legitimate excuse to have your phone out. Whenever you're supposed to turn somewhere in your Bible, hold the phone up higher then shoulder level and snap selfies or just pictures of the scene over and behind your shoulder. Anger and scowls, if they notice.

#198 -Popcorn.

    So if you are sitting near the wall, there might be an electrical outlet. Great! Plug in your electric popcorn maker, and start popping. Add some butter, salt, maybe some seasoning to make it smell better. And since electrical outlets usually have two plug-ins, plug in a small fan to waft the smell to your fellow believers. Believe me, they'll appreciate it. During a tedious portion of the sermon, you could fill those popcorn bags with your popcorn and walk the aisles, selling some. "Popcorn, Popcorn, One buck a bag! Get it while it's hot!" And, quite obviously, your pastor will love it as long as you tithe on the profits. You might not want to sell indulgences on the side, however. 

     If you don't have a popcorn machine, no worries! Bring that microwave in under your left arm (so you can still shake hands with the pastor) and plug it in. Microwaved popcorn will smell just as appetizing. Bon Appetite!

#874 -Rock 'n Roll.

   If you any contacts in the worship team, try to get them to wear mullet wigs and sunglasses. Get the music leader to have more of a beat to the songs. Then you can add in the lasers and fog machines. 

{  http://www.amazon.com/Chauvet-Hurricane-700-Fog-Machine/dp/B0002D0JX8/ref=sr_1_1?s=musical-instruments&ie=UTF8&qid=1437177398&sr=1-1&keywords=fog+machine  }

You can buy a fog machine off  Amazon for a good price, about 37 bucks when I looked at it.

#352 -Sound Effects.

    If you can get into the sound booth, or if you help there regularly, try funneling interesting sounds over the sound system to add some spice to your pastor's sermon. You could have a recording of a crowd of people yelling "Amen!" and play that at random, perhaps dull periods of the sermon.

    Or when the pastor is talking about baptism, play some splashing sounds over the speakers.

Another good effect is thunder. At the end of a sentence, in a pause, you can make a uninteresting point really drive home to the congregation and convict them, if you blast a clap of thunder over the speakers. If your sound booth is up and above the pews or chairs, you can even add better effect with buckets of water, super-soakers, or even water balloons, to complement the thunder.

    When the pastor is talking about the fires of hell, he will definitely appreciate it if you play a crackling fire effect over the speakers. This is a good time to activate those fog machines that you surreptitiously installed.

Well, those are my tips for now. Use these at your own discretion, (if you have any) and remember that we are NOT responsible for anything you do at your church.

Completely, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,

         -Me

How to Look Homeschooled.

     Now I know that thousands of my readers have been begging for a post like this, so after careful research, I came up with some extremely helpful tips on how to look, and act, homeschooled.

First, if you're a guy, always wear pants that are too short. If your pants cover your white socks, you obviously need shorter pants. If you're a gal, then you need to wear a long skirt, preferably denim or something out of fashion.

Second, your shirt. If you happen to be a manly young homeschooler, you're probably a guy. And you probably wear some kind of shirt with a collar to church. So ALWAYS button that top button, even if the rest aren't. Well, actually, never-mind. But leave it buttoned, no matter what anyone tells you. If someone does tell you to unbutton your top button, they're probably just jealous of your incredibly good looks, and are trying to attract people's attention to the unbuttoned button.

Third, never get those big squarish glasses with plastic rims. Ovalish metal rimmed glasses will really look sooooo much more homeschoolish, and maybe like an owl.
    Whatever you do, don't wear the latest styles that they suggest at the eye-glasses place. You know what fits in with homeschoolers, (at least you will if you read this) so don't get the latest styles that public-schoolers wear.

Fourth are a few random tips. For example, red should not appear as a color on your pants or shoes. Or any bright color, for that matter. Tennis shoes should look dull and maybe white or gray. Wearing skinny jeans, whether you're a guy or gal, will definitely not add to your homeschooler image.
And athletic shorts just don't look very homeschoolish. And if you're a guy, definitely don't talk to any girls outside your family if possible. Same goes for the girls, but if you don't talk to girls outside your family, people will think you have problems. Well, they probably will anyway. But don't talk to guys outside of your immediate family if possible. Your pastor might be an exception.

I'm sure there are other things you could do to appear more like a homeschooler, but those are the top few. I might have a "How to Look Homeschooled 2" post one of these days, so have patience.

Completely Sincerely Yours Truly....
                 -Me

The Author (s)

Now, you may be wondering, why does this person (Yours Truly) have tips for life that I could use?
Obviously, this book/blog is to give you fresh tips with problems many people have nowadays.
But, since I might not have any experience, use these wise tips at your own risk.
Thanks a ton, you're a pal.
Sincerely Yours Truly,
        -Me