How to have less boring sermons.

      Despite what you might be thinking, this is not for any pastors, but for people sitting. Unless, of course, your pastor sits down.

      Despite your fears, this guide will be tremendously helpful. Period. 

We are not responsible for your getting thrown out of the church.

#567 -Pen Launchers. 

    You know those ball-point retractable (clickee) pens? If you unscrew them, you can often press down the ink cartridge, compressing the spring, then releasing quickly to launch the cartridge and spring into the air. Just, you know, try not to make it to obvious, but it sure will liven up the sermon. Especially if you're in the overhead sound booth with a supply of pens.... Or you could just use a slingshot and spit-wads....

#314 -Marbles. 

    Just sit in the back row, and have a few games of 'get the marble to the front row without hitting anyone's shoes' with yourself or friends. you can buy a 200 pack of marbles on Amazon --{ http://www.amazon.com/Pieces-Cats-Glass-Marble-Sling/dp/B003U2KPAK/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1437175705&sr=8-11&keywords=playing+marbles }-- for 11.20, at least when I was looking at it. 

#675 -Bring Your Dummy to Church Day. 

    You know, like those dummies you made as a kid where you stuffed the jacket and pants and shoes with socks and blankets, and tried to make the head realistic. Well, make sure you put the hood over the dummy's head, and sunglasses and maybe a face mask would add to the realism.

    Pretend to whisper to the dummy, or better yet, actually do! Things like, "Are you bored yet?" or "Do they have a hotdog stand here?" or "Look at that guy's shiny head!"

If that gets too boring, you could always whack the dummy over the head with your big Bible and yell "Sinner!"

#235 -Itching Powder.

    The 23rd commandment was, "Thou shalt not look behind you in church if you are out of kindergarten." '

    So take advantage of this and drop itching powder down the back of the neck of that guy sitting in front of you. Just make sure he's not wearing glasses equipped with rearview mirrors.

#351 -Selfie Time!

    First, get a Bible app on your smart-phone or Ipod touch. Then you have a legitimate excuse to have your phone out. Whenever you're supposed to turn somewhere in your Bible, hold the phone up higher then shoulder level and snap selfies or just pictures of the scene over and behind your shoulder. Anger and scowls, if they notice.

#198 -Popcorn.

    So if you are sitting near the wall, there might be an electrical outlet. Great! Plug in your electric popcorn maker, and start popping. Add some butter, salt, maybe some seasoning to make it smell better. And since electrical outlets usually have two plug-ins, plug in a small fan to waft the smell to your fellow believers. Believe me, they'll appreciate it. During a tedious portion of the sermon, you could fill those popcorn bags with your popcorn and walk the aisles, selling some. "Popcorn, Popcorn, One buck a bag! Get it while it's hot!" And, quite obviously, your pastor will love it as long as you tithe on the profits. You might not want to sell indulgences on the side, however. 

     If you don't have a popcorn machine, no worries! Bring that microwave in under your left arm (so you can still shake hands with the pastor) and plug it in. Microwaved popcorn will smell just as appetizing. Bon Appetite!

#874 -Rock 'n Roll.

   If you any contacts in the worship team, try to get them to wear mullet wigs and sunglasses. Get the music leader to have more of a beat to the songs. Then you can add in the lasers and fog machines. 

{  http://www.amazon.com/Chauvet-Hurricane-700-Fog-Machine/dp/B0002D0JX8/ref=sr_1_1?s=musical-instruments&ie=UTF8&qid=1437177398&sr=1-1&keywords=fog+machine  }

You can buy a fog machine off  Amazon for a good price, about 37 bucks when I looked at it.

#352 -Sound Effects.

    If you can get into the sound booth, or if you help there regularly, try funneling interesting sounds over the sound system to add some spice to your pastor's sermon. You could have a recording of a crowd of people yelling "Amen!" and play that at random, perhaps dull periods of the sermon.

    Or when the pastor is talking about baptism, play some splashing sounds over the speakers.

Another good effect is thunder. At the end of a sentence, in a pause, you can make a uninteresting point really drive home to the congregation and convict them, if you blast a clap of thunder over the speakers. If your sound booth is up and above the pews or chairs, you can even add better effect with buckets of water, super-soakers, or even water balloons, to complement the thunder.

    When the pastor is talking about the fires of hell, he will definitely appreciate it if you play a crackling fire effect over the speakers. This is a good time to activate those fog machines that you surreptitiously installed.

Well, those are my tips for now. Use these at your own discretion, (if you have any) and remember that we are NOT responsible for anything you do at your church.

Completely, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,

         -Me