Two major problems facing American youth today are quite annoying.
The first is dry, fuzzy hair. Yes, after most people take a shower, (if they do that in the first place), then their hair is clean, but dries and becomes unmanageable. This results in fuzzy hair that sticks out and looks terrible.
The second is a greasy face. Most American youth produce an overabundance of grease on their face, resulting in acne: pimples, blackheads, etc. This simply does not enhance one's overall complexion and aesthetics.
Fortunately, we have one life-saving tip that can solve both problems! It kills one birds with two stones, or.... actually that doesn't sound right. It sounds left, I mean... no, that's not correct either.
But back to the solution: listen carefully to these 3 steps to solving your hair and acne problems.
# 1. Run 1 mile. Yes, you heard it... inside your head at least. Run approximately 5280 feet, or 1 mile.
# 2. Wash your hands. Then wipe as much grease off your face as possible. Running the mile not only helps burn any extra calories you might have, (I like to save my calories; you never know when you might need some extras), but it also helps bring the grease to your face, partially by making you sweat. That way, you can get as much grease on your hands as possible.
# 3. Now you should have your hand covered with some sweat/grease. Run your fingers through your hair, repeating the latter part of step 2 and all of step 3 until your face is less greasy, and your hair looks splendid.
Now you know the secret to how famous celebrities, athletes, movie stars, and other such people keep looking amazing!
Yours Truly,
-Me
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Saturday, May 28, 2016
The Guide to Sitting through a Graduation.
Having had this experience, there are a few tricks to surviving a two hour graduation.
#1. Bring candy to munch on. Unless you're graduating, it's probably a good idea to bring candy, maybe even Oreos or fruit snacks. This will nourish you, as you are likely to faint from boredom as they have to make every single graduate feel special by calling them, making them walk across the whole stage, and in some, giving them an opportunity to let them thank their parents, family, and friends.
#2. Bring Earplugs. There are generally people who decide to break the World Record for the loudest noise made by a human while cheering for their relative who is graduating, and unfortunately, they could be sitting right behind you. Skin colored earplugs would be great as to not offend anyone. An even better option is ear-buds, because then (especially if they are noise-cancelling) not only do you avoid having your eardrums ruptured, but you also can listen to podcasts, music, or whatever.
#3. Bring a mask (maybe a Abraham Lincoln mask, or an old man mask) and sunglasses.
Wearing a overly large hoodie with the hood up, putting the mask and sunglasses in the front, you can then safely take a well-needed nap with the mask covering up any evidence. People looking will just see the blank face with shades staring up at the boring speaker, when in reality, you have your head tucked down lower toward your shoulder, taking forty winks like nobody's business.
#4. Sell people things. If you obtain a pushcart, you can load it with fresh, hot food to sell. The best time is about half-way through, after everyone has been bored to death, but before people are realizing that the boredom is coming to an end. Walk up and down the aisles, yelling, "Donuts, donuts, fresh hot donuts! Get 'em while they're hot!"
People will smell the delicious aroma of warm amazingness and this fact, combined with hunger and boredom, will greatly contribute to your amazing sales.
#5. Bring a sophisticated ultra-violet light emitter, commonly known as a laser. The fun you can have with this is endless. The back of the valedictorian's head could suddenly have a bright red laser spot on it, the podium that the speaker is using could suddenly become interesting, and a certain person possessing a laser could be thrown out of the premises of the graduation.
We hope that these tips help you if you go to a graduation, and make it more fun and interesting.
-Me
#2. Bring Earplugs. There are generally people who decide to break the World Record for the loudest noise made by a human while cheering for their relative who is graduating, and unfortunately, they could be sitting right behind you. Skin colored earplugs would be great as to not offend anyone. An even better option is ear-buds, because then (especially if they are noise-cancelling) not only do you avoid having your eardrums ruptured, but you also can listen to podcasts, music, or whatever.
#3. Bring a mask (maybe a Abraham Lincoln mask, or an old man mask) and sunglasses.
Wearing a overly large hoodie with the hood up, putting the mask and sunglasses in the front, you can then safely take a well-needed nap with the mask covering up any evidence. People looking will just see the blank face with shades staring up at the boring speaker, when in reality, you have your head tucked down lower toward your shoulder, taking forty winks like nobody's business.
#4. Sell people things. If you obtain a pushcart, you can load it with fresh, hot food to sell. The best time is about half-way through, after everyone has been bored to death, but before people are realizing that the boredom is coming to an end. Walk up and down the aisles, yelling, "Donuts, donuts, fresh hot donuts! Get 'em while they're hot!"
People will smell the delicious aroma of warm amazingness and this fact, combined with hunger and boredom, will greatly contribute to your amazing sales.
#5. Bring a sophisticated ultra-violet light emitter, commonly known as a laser. The fun you can have with this is endless. The back of the valedictorian's head could suddenly have a bright red laser spot on it, the podium that the speaker is using could suddenly become interesting, and a certain person possessing a laser could be thrown out of the premises of the graduation.
We hope that these tips help you if you go to a graduation, and make it more fun and interesting.
-Me
Saturday, March 5, 2016
5 tips on: How to ask Her Dad.
Now we here at the Guide to Life for Dummies know many of you gentlemen have been wanted some helpful tips on this important aspect of life.
Thinking it over, we came up with these 5 very helpful tips on getting her dad's permission to marry her....
#1. This is a little after the fact, but after you ask him for his permission, it's great to quote a Bible verse, especially if he looks surprised, doubtful, and doesn't say anything for more than 1 second.
A good example would be John 13:27, ".... Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly."
This will help him make up his mind a lot quicker, hopefully in your favor.
#2. Tell him you don't have a job. If he knows you have a job, tell him you got fired. This is to make him think you don't have one, so later, he'll have a pleasant surprise. People always like pleasant surprises. If you tell him you have a job, it wouldn't create as much favor as if you tell him later.
#3. Bring flowers. Yes siree, then throw them down in front of him, grind those petals into the floor, and tell him that's what will happen to your life if he doesn't agree.
#4. Most guys are extremely egocentric and "me-centered" and will claim "I'll take care of her for the rest of her life. I'll provide for her, and I'll be there for her..." There is a BIG problem with that.
It's never good to keep on saying I, I, I in a conversation, especially one this important. Not only does this sound selfish and egocentric, but your potential father-in-law is going to think you're Donald Trump.
Instead, tell him that Social Security will take care of his daughter for the rest of her life. He'll associate something as big and strong as the government with the well-being of his daughter, and will feel confident in her future.
#5. Back to the second tip: if the surprise/no-job approach turns sour, slap your knee, let out laugh, and tell him it was just a joke, and that you're quite rich: in fact you made thousands playing Texas Hold-em in Vegas. And you just won the lottery and reinvested in more lottery tickets, so his daughter will be provided for. Just wait till you can teach those poker techniques to his grand-kids.
He'll be so proud.
-Me.
Thinking it over, we came up with these 5 very helpful tips on getting her dad's permission to marry her....
#1. This is a little after the fact, but after you ask him for his permission, it's great to quote a Bible verse, especially if he looks surprised, doubtful, and doesn't say anything for more than 1 second.
A good example would be John 13:27, ".... Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly."
This will help him make up his mind a lot quicker, hopefully in your favor.
#2. Tell him you don't have a job. If he knows you have a job, tell him you got fired. This is to make him think you don't have one, so later, he'll have a pleasant surprise. People always like pleasant surprises. If you tell him you have a job, it wouldn't create as much favor as if you tell him later.
#3. Bring flowers. Yes siree, then throw them down in front of him, grind those petals into the floor, and tell him that's what will happen to your life if he doesn't agree.
#4. Most guys are extremely egocentric and "me-centered" and will claim "I'll take care of her for the rest of her life. I'll provide for her, and I'll be there for her..." There is a BIG problem with that.
It's never good to keep on saying I, I, I in a conversation, especially one this important. Not only does this sound selfish and egocentric, but your potential father-in-law is going to think you're Donald Trump.
Instead, tell him that Social Security will take care of his daughter for the rest of her life. He'll associate something as big and strong as the government with the well-being of his daughter, and will feel confident in her future.
#5. Back to the second tip: if the surprise/no-job approach turns sour, slap your knee, let out laugh, and tell him it was just a joke, and that you're quite rich: in fact you made thousands playing Texas Hold-em in Vegas. And you just won the lottery and reinvested in more lottery tickets, so his daughter will be provided for. Just wait till you can teach those poker techniques to his grand-kids.
He'll be so proud.
-Me.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
How to be Cool. Extremely. Cool.
Are you the unnoticed dull person in your youth group? Do people throw mud at you and tell you to go away when you try to join their conversation? Do people part for you like the Red Sea to get away from you? Are you a loser at Frisbee and basketball?
Then don't worry. Here are several innovative, hip, astonishing, and amazing ways to be cool.
1. First of all, you need to decide whether you will be "cool" as in up to date on the latest fashions and fads, or will be more "hip" and stand out a bit more. If you're going to be a little ahead of your time in fashion, well, that's okay. Just make sure you always have sunglasses either on your head, or over your eyes. Yeah, I know. Revolutionary idea.
2. Instead of awkwardly standing in a group not say anything, do some attention-grabbing stunt or move. Like grabbing your (or anyone's, really) Nike hat, throwing it on the ground, and stomping it into the ground, saying how "horrible" Nike is, and how those other brands are so much better.
This should spark interesting conversations.
3. Pretend you know people really well. They may not know you from Adam or Eve, but who cares? Go up and say how you've missed them, and give them a big hug. If you feel like getting pushed off a cliff.
4. For basketball or Frisbee, there is an excellent way to recover from that missed 3-pointer or hammered Frisbee to the end zone. Say the following, in any order.
A. "The sun was in my eyes!"
B. "There was a wind."
C. "The ground/floor was slippery."
D. "It was that guy's (point at random person) fault!"
E. "There was a slight error in my pre-flight trigonometric calculations, thrown off by the gravitational pull of the moon."
F. "Hey, look at the dazzling distraction flying overhead!"
G. "It's too cloudy."
H. "Would you believe that. Someone missed. I never miss. Well, almost never. You people got to observe history today! You got to see me miss a shot! You want my autograph?"
5. The final way to be cool is to carry ice cubes around with you. Ice cubes are cool. This will be cool. Extremely cool.
Completely, Cheerily, Happily, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,
-Me
Then don't worry. Here are several innovative, hip, astonishing, and amazing ways to be cool.
1. First of all, you need to decide whether you will be "cool" as in up to date on the latest fashions and fads, or will be more "hip" and stand out a bit more. If you're going to be a little ahead of your time in fashion, well, that's okay. Just make sure you always have sunglasses either on your head, or over your eyes. Yeah, I know. Revolutionary idea.
2. Instead of awkwardly standing in a group not say anything, do some attention-grabbing stunt or move. Like grabbing your (or anyone's, really) Nike hat, throwing it on the ground, and stomping it into the ground, saying how "horrible" Nike is, and how those other brands are so much better.
This should spark interesting conversations.
3. Pretend you know people really well. They may not know you from Adam or Eve, but who cares? Go up and say how you've missed them, and give them a big hug. If you feel like getting pushed off a cliff.
4. For basketball or Frisbee, there is an excellent way to recover from that missed 3-pointer or hammered Frisbee to the end zone. Say the following, in any order.
A. "The sun was in my eyes!"
B. "There was a wind."
C. "The ground/floor was slippery."
D. "It was that guy's (point at random person) fault!"
E. "There was a slight error in my pre-flight trigonometric calculations, thrown off by the gravitational pull of the moon."
F. "Hey, look at the dazzling distraction flying overhead!"
G. "It's too cloudy."
H. "Would you believe that. Someone missed. I never miss. Well, almost never. You people got to observe history today! You got to see me miss a shot! You want my autograph?"
5. The final way to be cool is to carry ice cubes around with you. Ice cubes are cool. This will be cool. Extremely cool.
Completely, Cheerily, Happily, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,
-Me
Friday, July 24, 2015
How to: Paint your nails.
Now I know this is a very delicate subject, so I will treat it with due sensitivity and care.
First of all, this will work for anybody, guys or gals. This new fashion will sweep your youth-group, church, any social group!
Now, the real First of all.
Go to Home Depot or Lowe's. Buy a 1 gallon can of paint, or a 12 ounce spray can.
Also, buy a box of nails, anywhere from a couple pounds to a large bucket that you can barely carry, depending on how many nails you want to paint.
Step One.
If you're using a can of paint (not a spray can), then either use a paintbrush, a sponge, or your fingers to dab paint over a nail. Galvanized nails are awesome. Or you can simply dip the nail in the bucket (or can) of paint.
Then, set it out to dry. Depending on the humidity, temperature, and air pressure, it shouldn't take too long to dry. If you use a blow-dryer, make sure not to wrinkle the paint too much. Fashion should be fun, not ugly!
If you're using a spray can, simply hold up the nail and spray away. Works like a wonder.
Step Two.
Show off your awesome styles to your friends.
You can stick the nail through your hat, carry a bundle of them on your head, or set them above your ear like a pencil.
Other ideas include sticking them through your belt like a belt lined with bullets, or cinching wire around them and carrying them on a key-chain, or just filling your pockets with them so you can say you really need a belt to keep your pants up. Leaving them around on the ground to decorate the ground around car tires is not recommended. Neither is carrying them on airplane flights, or in your mouth. Plus, think of the exercise you can get from carrying around 10 pounds of nails!
Completely, Cheerily, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,
-Me
First of all, this will work for anybody, guys or gals. This new fashion will sweep your youth-group, church, any social group!
Now, the real First of all.
Go to Home Depot or Lowe's. Buy a 1 gallon can of paint, or a 12 ounce spray can.
Also, buy a box of nails, anywhere from a couple pounds to a large bucket that you can barely carry, depending on how many nails you want to paint.
Step One.
If you're using a can of paint (not a spray can), then either use a paintbrush, a sponge, or your fingers to dab paint over a nail. Galvanized nails are awesome. Or you can simply dip the nail in the bucket (or can) of paint.
Then, set it out to dry. Depending on the humidity, temperature, and air pressure, it shouldn't take too long to dry. If you use a blow-dryer, make sure not to wrinkle the paint too much. Fashion should be fun, not ugly!
If you're using a spray can, simply hold up the nail and spray away. Works like a wonder.
Step Two.
Show off your awesome styles to your friends.
You can stick the nail through your hat, carry a bundle of them on your head, or set them above your ear like a pencil.
Other ideas include sticking them through your belt like a belt lined with bullets, or cinching wire around them and carrying them on a key-chain, or just filling your pockets with them so you can say you really need a belt to keep your pants up. Leaving them around on the ground to decorate the ground around car tires is not recommended. Neither is carrying them on airplane flights, or in your mouth. Plus, think of the exercise you can get from carrying around 10 pounds of nails!
Completely, Cheerily, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,
-Me
Friday, July 17, 2015
How to have less boring sermons.
Despite what you might be thinking, this is not for any pastors, but for people sitting. Unless, of course, your pastor sits down.
Despite your fears, this guide will be tremendously helpful. Period.
We are not responsible for your getting thrown out of the church.
#567 -Pen Launchers.
You know those ball-point retractable (clickee) pens? If you unscrew them, you can often press down the ink cartridge, compressing the spring, then releasing quickly to launch the cartridge and spring into the air. Just, you know, try not to make it to obvious, but it sure will liven up the sermon. Especially if you're in the overhead sound booth with a supply of pens.... Or you could just use a slingshot and spit-wads....
#314 -Marbles.
Just sit in the back row, and have a few games of 'get the marble to the front row without hitting anyone's shoes' with yourself or friends. you can buy a 200 pack of marbles on Amazon --{ http://www.amazon.com/Pieces-Cats-Glass-Marble-Sling/dp/B003U2KPAK/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1437175705&sr=8-11&keywords=playing+marbles }-- for 11.20, at least when I was looking at it.
#675 -Bring Your Dummy to Church Day.
You know, like those dummies you made as a kid where you stuffed the jacket and pants and shoes with socks and blankets, and tried to make the head realistic. Well, make sure you put the hood over the dummy's head, and sunglasses and maybe a face mask would add to the realism.
Pretend to whisper to the dummy, or better yet, actually do! Things like, "Are you bored yet?" or "Do they have a hotdog stand here?" or "Look at that guy's shiny head!"
If that gets too boring, you could always whack the dummy over the head with your big Bible and yell "Sinner!"
#235 -Itching Powder.
The 23rd commandment was, "Thou shalt not look behind you in church if you are out of kindergarten." '
So take advantage of this and drop itching powder down the back of the neck of that guy sitting in front of you. Just make sure he's not wearing glasses equipped with rearview mirrors.
#351 -Selfie Time!
First, get a Bible app on your smart-phone or Ipod touch. Then you have a legitimate excuse to have your phone out. Whenever you're supposed to turn somewhere in your Bible, hold the phone up higher then shoulder level and snap selfies or just pictures of the scene over and behind your shoulder. Anger and scowls, if they notice.
#198 -Popcorn.
So if you are sitting near the wall, there might be an electrical outlet. Great! Plug in your electric popcorn maker, and start popping. Add some butter, salt, maybe some seasoning to make it smell better. And since electrical outlets usually have two plug-ins, plug in a small fan to waft the smell to your fellow believers. Believe me, they'll appreciate it. During a tedious portion of the sermon, you could fill those popcorn bags with your popcorn and walk the aisles, selling some. "Popcorn, Popcorn, One buck a bag! Get it while it's hot!" And, quite obviously, your pastor will love it as long as you tithe on the profits. You might not want to sell indulgences on the side, however.
If you don't have a popcorn machine, no worries! Bring that microwave in under your left arm (so you can still shake hands with the pastor) and plug it in. Microwaved popcorn will smell just as appetizing. Bon Appetite!
#874 -Rock 'n Roll.
If you any contacts in the worship team, try to get them to wear mullet wigs and sunglasses. Get the music leader to have more of a beat to the songs. Then you can add in the lasers and fog machines.
{ http://www.amazon.com/Chauvet-Hurricane-700-Fog-Machine/dp/B0002D0JX8/ref=sr_1_1?s=musical-instruments&ie=UTF8&qid=1437177398&sr=1-1&keywords=fog+machine }
You can buy a fog machine off Amazon for a good price, about 37 bucks when I looked at it.
#352 -Sound Effects.
If you can get into the sound booth, or if you help there regularly, try funneling interesting sounds over the sound system to add some spice to your pastor's sermon. You could have a recording of a crowd of people yelling "Amen!" and play that at random, perhaps dull periods of the sermon.
Or when the pastor is talking about baptism, play some splashing sounds over the speakers.
Another good effect is thunder. At the end of a sentence, in a pause, you can make a uninteresting point really drive home to the congregation and convict them, if you blast a clap of thunder over the speakers. If your sound booth is up and above the pews or chairs, you can even add better effect with buckets of water, super-soakers, or even water balloons, to complement the thunder.
When the pastor is talking about the fires of hell, he will definitely appreciate it if you play a crackling fire effect over the speakers. This is a good time to activate those fog machines that you surreptitiously installed.
Well, those are my tips for now. Use these at your own discretion, (if you have any) and remember that we are NOT responsible for anything you do at your church.
Completely, Sincerely, and Undubitably Yours Truly,
-Me
Thursday, July 16, 2015
How to Look Homeschooled.
Now I know that thousands of my readers have been begging for a post like this, so after careful research, I came up with some extremely helpful tips on how to look, and act, homeschooled.
First, if you're a guy, always wear pants that are too short. If your pants cover your white socks, you obviously need shorter pants. If you're a gal, then you need to wear a long skirt, preferably denim or something out of fashion.
Second, your shirt. If you happen to be a manly young homeschooler, you're probably a guy. And you probably wear some kind of shirt with a collar to church. So ALWAYS button that top button, even if the rest aren't. Well, actually, never-mind. But leave it buttoned, no matter what anyone tells you. If someone does tell you to unbutton your top button, they're probably just jealous of your incredibly good looks, and are trying to attract people's attention to the unbuttoned button.
Third, never get those big squarish glasses with plastic rims. Ovalish metal rimmed glasses will really look sooooo much more homeschoolish, and maybe like an owl.
Whatever you do, don't wear the latest styles that they suggest at the eye-glasses place. You know what fits in with homeschoolers, (at least you will if you read this) so don't get the latest styles that public-schoolers wear.
Fourth are a few random tips. For example, red should not appear as a color on your pants or shoes. Or any bright color, for that matter. Tennis shoes should look dull and maybe white or gray. Wearing skinny jeans, whether you're a guy or gal, will definitely not add to your homeschooler image.
And athletic shorts just don't look very homeschoolish. And if you're a guy, definitely don't talk to any girls outside your family if possible. Same goes for the girls, but if you don't talk to girls outside your family, people will think you have problems. Well, they probably will anyway. But don't talk to guys outside of your immediate family if possible. Your pastor might be an exception.
I'm sure there are other things you could do to appear more like a homeschooler, but those are the top few. I might have a "How to Look Homeschooled 2" post one of these days, so have patience.
Completely Sincerely Yours Truly....
-Me
First, if you're a guy, always wear pants that are too short. If your pants cover your white socks, you obviously need shorter pants. If you're a gal, then you need to wear a long skirt, preferably denim or something out of fashion.
Second, your shirt. If you happen to be a manly young homeschooler, you're probably a guy. And you probably wear some kind of shirt with a collar to church. So ALWAYS button that top button, even if the rest aren't. Well, actually, never-mind. But leave it buttoned, no matter what anyone tells you. If someone does tell you to unbutton your top button, they're probably just jealous of your incredibly good looks, and are trying to attract people's attention to the unbuttoned button.
Third, never get those big squarish glasses with plastic rims. Ovalish metal rimmed glasses will really look sooooo much more homeschoolish, and maybe like an owl.
Whatever you do, don't wear the latest styles that they suggest at the eye-glasses place. You know what fits in with homeschoolers, (at least you will if you read this) so don't get the latest styles that public-schoolers wear.
Fourth are a few random tips. For example, red should not appear as a color on your pants or shoes. Or any bright color, for that matter. Tennis shoes should look dull and maybe white or gray. Wearing skinny jeans, whether you're a guy or gal, will definitely not add to your homeschooler image.
And athletic shorts just don't look very homeschoolish. And if you're a guy, definitely don't talk to any girls outside your family if possible. Same goes for the girls, but if you don't talk to girls outside your family, people will think you have problems. Well, they probably will anyway. But don't talk to guys outside of your immediate family if possible. Your pastor might be an exception.
I'm sure there are other things you could do to appear more like a homeschooler, but those are the top few. I might have a "How to Look Homeschooled 2" post one of these days, so have patience.
Completely Sincerely Yours Truly....
-Me
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